


Meow, bitch.

by wanderlustt (orphan_account)



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Cats!, Felix is a cat, Fluff, M/M, Merry Christmas 8), Sylvain adopts a cat, but not like the movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:20:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21860812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/wanderlustt
Summary: OK, OK. This is awesome. So what if cats aren’t allowed to live inside the student dormitories? It’s a cat, and chicks love cats, and Sylvain loves chicks, and now chicks will love him. It’s an impeccable plan, his best idea yet.“You are going to get me laid,” he says.“You are a dipshit,” says the cat.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 6
Kudos: 101





	Meow, bitch.

**Author's Note:**

> deleting this after christmas because this was part of a holiday exchange, thank you!

OK, _OK._ This is awesome. So what if cats aren’t allowed to live inside the student dormitories? It’s a _cat_ , and chicks _love_ cats, and Sylvain loves chicks, and now _chicks will love him_. It’s an impeccable plan, his best idea yet.

“You are going to get me _laid_ ,” he says.

“You are a dipshit,” says the cat, but its voice is low, garbled, _meow-like_ and Sylvain is so deep in thought he doesn’t even notice that the cat has actually said _human words_ \-- there are more pressing issues, after all, like what he’s going to name the cat, how he’s going to feed the cat, and how he’s going to house the cat. But first thing’s first: “ _Pebbles_? What do you think?”

Cat stares at him.

“No? Alright. How about _Pudding_?”

Cat yawns.

Sylvain glances at the hidden bottle of Glenlivet scotch he has tucked away underneath his bed. “Oh! I know.” He beams, snapping his fingers like he’s about to show off the prestige of some ridiculous magic trick. “How about _Glenn_?”

Cat snarls and attacks him with the force of two hundred raging battalion soldiers.

*

OK. So.

Sylvain has learned a few things.

Cat is not necessarily the _nicest_ cat, but it’s a _cute_ cat, what with its big round red eyes and soft black fur, and so far everything is going all according to plan. All it takes is one whiff of “wanna see my cat?” and the girls he’s flirting with melt into one giant puddle, cooing and cawing like overeager parrots until he has them wrapped pretty like a present in the comfort of his dorm room.

_“Aw, what’s his name?”_

Sylvain laughs and stops himself short from telling them his cat’s name is _Cat_ because 1) that's stupid name 2) only a sociopath would name their cat _Cat --_ so instead, he pulls something new out of his ass every time: _Paul, Matteo, Adrian_ , running through a list of random names from that infinite well of bullshittery stored in his brain, and stopping short of _Glenn_ because he’d quite like to keep his life.

But the damn cat bites every single girl he brings home and none of them stay long enough for him to actually get laid. It’s a cranky cat, which makes Sylvain cranky, and after yet another failed conquest runs screaming out his room, he decides to confront it.

“ _Help me help you,”_ he pleads on his knees, pressing his hands together like he’s deep in prayer at the alter of the goddess. “What do you want from me, Cat?”

Nothing.

“Please, _give me something_.”

The cat hops onto Sylvain’s lap and curls into a ball to sleep.

Huh.

Well, _that’s_ something.

*

Sylvain learns Cat is afraid of water, pats, (and probably women) but that doesn’t stop him from trying either.

“You have poor social skills,” says Sylvain.

Cat just yawns, stretching underneath the hazy afternoon sun.

 _Can you even train a cat_ , he thinks. _Has it been done before_.

Sylvain offers Cat some crumbs of angel cake from the dining hall. The cat turns its nose. He offers him some Daphnel soup instead. Its whiskers perk up.

 _Holy shit I’m doing it_ , he thinks, _I am_ **bonding** _with_ Cat.

OK, yeah, this is pretty awesome.

*

So the whole getting laid thing isn’t work out, but the cat is getting more comfortable in the confines of his dorm room, going so far as to curl next to him in bed to sleep at night. Sylvain even gets to _pet_ the damn cat now, though he doesn’t get more than two strokes in before Cat turns its tail and finds a quieter spot on the bed to sleep on. Turns out Cat doesn't like pets.

But it doesn’t matter because Cat is _his_ now and Cat is coming to _actually_ _like him_.

 _Holy shit, this is better than girls_ , Sylvain thinks, as Cat curls up in his arm to nap, _this is better than sex_.

Sylvain discovers he may actually be a cat person.

*

“Ingrid. Ingrid. Ingrid. Ingrid—"

A sigh. “What is it, Sylvain?”

“Do you wanna see my cat.”

“Is that a euphemism,” she says, turning her nose.

“I don’t think so.” Sylvain cocks his head to the side, wondering if it is. Shakes it. Nah. “I am pretty sure it’s a cat.”

*

Ingrid meets Cat. Cat meets Ingrid. Cat doesn’t mind Ingrid for some reason, curling up onto her lap to take its afternoon nap. OK, _yeah_ , this is awesome, and Ingrid is awesome, and Cat is awesome, which means Sylvain must be awesome. “He’s so _cute_ ,” he says, nearly purring with adoration. “What do you think -- he’s cute right. _Right Ingrid?_ ”

She nods in agreement, smiling. “He’s cute.”

He starts talking incessantly about cat. He can feel her getting bored with him, but he can’t help himself -- “He sleeps in my bed and we eat _dinner_ together.”

“That seems…unsanitary.”

Sylvain cocks his head at the sound of this. “It is?”

*

He buys Cat dryfood to eat and a cushion to sleep on. Cat sneers at both.

Sylvain beams. “Oh thank god.” The thought of being unable to eat and cuddle with Cat was almost unbearably sad.

Cat just meows and hops back onto the bed.

*

Sylvain sleeps well with his furry little friend next to him; in fact, the sleep has been _so good_ that he misses nearly all his morning classes at Garreg Mach. Sure, the professor is probably annoyed with him, but it’s _fine_ , he thinks, he’ll just get the notes from Ingrid later. Or Dimitri. Whoever decides to be easier to fool that day.

Naturally, he shrieks when he gets up and sees that there is a full-grown fucking _man_ in his bed.

A full-grown man who's _sneering at him_.

“You’re annoying.”

Sylvain shrieks (again), this time so hard he forgets to breathe.

He faints.

*

When he wakes up, Cat is back, sitting on the edge of the windowsill with a blank look on his face.

Tears well up in Sylvain’s eyes as he crawls up before him. “Oh my god Cat, I just had the most horrible nightmare. _You_ were _catnapped_ and there was a stranger in my bed, and it was just the worst thing ever, I thought I was never going to see you again.”

Cat just looks at him. “That was me.”

Sylvain blinks. “Did you just speak?"

Cat’s stare feels like it might last a lifetime and more—but inevitably, it nods.

Sylvain shrieks and faints again.

*

“So you are a cat,” Sylvain says very intelligently, after spending two hours trying to process the trauma of his cat actually being a man. Mancat? Catman? “You are a cat,” he says again because the words are completely alien and garbled in his mouth. “ _You are a_ —”

“I am a cat,” says Cat. “Can we move on now.”

Sylvain just stares. “How does this work? Is this a part-time gig where it’s like—you’re a cat most the times and a man half the time? Or are you a witch. Like, you can change into a cat whenever you want. Or is it just a choice? Like, you prefer being a cat. How does it work, tell me, _how_.”

Cat just stretches, curling up onto the bed, looking very disinterested. When the silence stretches too long, Sylvain realizes Cat is probably not going to answer him.

Cat, like cats do, is _going to ignore him_.

“Do you have a name,” Sylvain says, at last, when Cat makes no indication of saying anything at all.

“Felix.”

Huh. Somehow it sticks. “Felix,” Sylvain repeats, a grin breaking wide on his lips.

*

Felix doesn’t show his human form often. From what Sylvain can gather -- and it’s not much, given the state of Cat’s answers, clipped and cool like he has better things to be thinking about, _better people to talk to,_ better cats to talk to? -- he uses his cat form to conserve energy. _Or life force?_ He’s not too sure about the proper nomenclature.

 _He’s a cat, but also a man_ , he tells himself. _He is a man, but also a cat_.

“Can I help,” says Sylvain. “With your energy problem, I mean.”

Felix settles by the windowsill, where frost is beginning to cake up in the corners. “No.” He likes to keep one paw cool and one paw on the wooden board where it’s warm and toasty.

“Why not?”

“Because.”

Now Sylvain’s interest is piqued, as he splays out on his stomach, cupping his chin with his hands. “Because what?”

“Because _you can’t help me_.”

“Oh?” So now Cat -- no, Felix -- is challenging him. _Game on_. “I think you’re underestimating the power of the mighty Sylvain. C'mon now. _Try me."_

Felix just glares at him _or at least it looks like he’s glaring_. He turns his nose. “You’d have to kiss me."

Sylvain blinks. “That's it?"

Felix looks him up and down like he's an absolute shitstain on his otherwise very boring and peaceful day. "You'd have to kiss me and I'd have to borrow half your life force."

Well, that's terrifying. Sylvain doesn't understand half the nomenclature that's been tossed around wily-nily, so alright, _fuck that,_ he'd very much like to keep his life force. “Is there an alternative? Like—" A pause. “What if I brought you…someone else to kiss."

“Yeah? You have someone lying around?”

“Um, no.”

Cat just looks at him with disdain before turning its tail. “ _Ugh_. Useless.”

*

Sylvain starts considering his options: Raphael’s pretty big, right? He can probably offer a liter of life force—and Dimitri! Yeah, Dimitri! He’s sure if he plays his cards right he can convince him the blood’s meant for an orphan in need, _or something_. And Dedue! He'll be the easiest of them all. _All Sylvain needs to do is tell him Dimitri needs his life force and--_

Felix swats him in the face with his paw. "Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"You're conjuring a bad idea in that doo-doo brain of yours," he snaps. "Just stop whatever it is you're thinking. Go train. Or get me food. Do something useful. _But stop thinking."_

"I'm not thinking anything!" Sylvain frowns, curling up in his bed.

"Well isn't that a boldfaced lie."

Again. "Don't you want to go back to your human form? _Don't you miss being--"_

Felix curls up on Sylvain's lap. "No."

*

When the night is darkest, Sylvain stares at Felix -- Felix, who's curled up _so cutely in his bed_ and sleeping away with soft _mew-mew-mew-mews_ under his breath. He'd remembered the first few days he'd have to listen for the sound of breathing because he was such a quiet sleeper and because he didn't want to wake up with a dead cat in his bed, but not anymore. _Because Sylvain is a cat owner now_ and he knows what cats sound like when they're asleep.

Suddenly, there's a pop and in a flash of light, Cat transforms into a man.

_Huh. His human form is cute too._

The mattress feels heavier underneath his weight, he's snoring gently, and Sylvain nearly blushes with surprise. _Or is it nervousness?_ He's not sure.

 _Alright, let's do this thing_.

He leans over and presses his lips against Felix's. 

_Hm, they're pretty soft_ , he thinks -- and he keeps it chaste, and feels his energy escape him. He's starting to go lightheaded _fast_ and _holy crap,_ Felix was right, _this is his life force leaving him and entering a new body_. _But more importantly, this, whatever this is, probably counts_ _as bestiality, which means--_

Another _horrifying_ pop punches the air.

Suddenly, the room is growing _bigger --_ bigger until Sylvain shrieks, which wakes up Felix, who's staring at him in absolute shock.

"What the hell did you do?"

Sylvain whimpers. "I'm shrinking! Help!"

But Felix groans, angling the mirror in the corner of Sylvain's room towards him. " _You're not shrinking._ "

Holy shit.

Holy _shit_.

Sylvain has turned into a cat.

He stares at his paws. Stares at Felix. "I-I'm a cat?"

Felix starts massaging his temples, "It'll take time to wear off. I doubt this'll last more than a day, if we start looking into some white magic rituals from the restricted section of the library, I'm sure--" and other intelligent words that Sylvain doesn't catch because he can't stop staring at himself in the mirror, _this cute and adorable tabby cat_ that looks like he could melt anyone's cold, frozen heart. Look at his adorable little paws! And his little whiskers!

Holy shit, he is a cat! Meow, bitch!

A smile lights up Sylvain's face. "Hell yeah. I'm a cat."

Felix just stares at him incredulously. Sighs. "No. You're an idiot."

*

Felix reverts back into his cat form at the strike of midnight the next day.

Meanwhile, Sylvain still hasn't figured out a way to get out of his cat form, even as he stares out the window. Felix hops up next to him, looking at him beleaguered like he's already out of fuel, _like there's no point in trying anymore_ , but he doesn't say anything. Just sits next to him, one paw pressed against his.

Sylvain leans in and Felix nearly ruffles with irritation, but he's stopped fighting back against his touches.

Turns out maybe Felix just like being a cat.

For what it's worth, Sylvain's starting to get why.


End file.
